Tuesday, August 28, 2012

I Want Wind to Blow


I Want Wind to Blow (The Microphones)

It is Fall now.  Summer ended in a flood, the west end of town, what my son Milo calls the basement of Bloomsburg, all underwater, a quarter of the town.  Houses uprooted from their foundations by the current, collapsed, eroded.  The river cresting at 33 feet, and once receded leaving a toxic mud drying to dust, a road overturned, dozens of homes condemned.  The town without power or water, made murky, dirty, a dreamlike shifted scenery, wrought over with debris.
The damage has even caused the cancellation of the Bloomsburg Fair, a first in its 157 year history.  The fair typically brings together townsfolk and travelers near and far for a week-long fried food gorge, alongside games, rides, a country-dominated grandstand lineup, a demolition derby, and a variety of warehoused farm animals.  The flood was one thing, but the fair cancellation is a turn of events that many cannot bear, with the local 30 Seconds call in section of the newspaper erupting with arguments over the decision, the loss of the fair’s near $200,000 profit economy weighing heavy on opinions.  Some vendors, to avoid the loss, have started to set up along Route 11, seeing so much business a police presence is needed to deal with the traffic, and it’s not even fair week yet.  Next week more vendors are planning on joining in, popping up in parking lots and roadsides like water tanks and portajohns did the week before, a sensible continuation of the town’s survivalist redecoration. 
It rained and kept raining so it flooded, it was that simple.  The horrendous damage just naturally progressed.  The storm didn’t even have a name, none of the legendary feel of 72’s Hurricane Agnes, the previous flood record holder.  It just rained and didn’t stop.  Some prepared, carried belongings up from their basements, only to have their first floors full of water, everything wet ordered thrown out.  I live a block away from where the water rose to, but above, on a hill, so was fine, which is good because I was wholly unprepared.  I filled up the few pots and buckets I had with water before it was shut off, told others to fill their bathtubs but never got around to filling my own.  I had no flashlight or candles when the power went out, went to Big Lots and bought four flashlights, the brightest there were.  That night, after my youngest son Oscar fell asleep, Milo and I settled in the living room, ready to camp out on the couch cushion floor bed we had made, flashlights on, making shadow puppets on the ceiling and reading Harriet the Spy.  It was a lovely moment, but so were the simultaneous cheers echoing down the street when the power kicked back on a few minutes later.  I considered continuing our flashlight party, but suddenly all Milo wanted to do was watch Despicable Me, so I put it on and got back to grading homework and downloading everything I could find by Mount Eerie.
It was ten years ago that I first heard Phil Elverum’s music.  I was in my early twenties, having occasional existentially-depressed panic attacks, and spending a lot of time listening to semi-mysterious sad sacks.  Bright Eyes, Cat Power, Songs: Ohia.  A new album by a band called The Microphones was getting mad love in the indie music press.  The album was called The Glow Pt. 2—the Pt. 2 and the elephant among evergreens album cover made me think of Neutral Milk Hotel, so I was sold on packaging before I even put the headphones on in the Albuquerque record store I bought it from.  The first two songs blew me away, completely—“I Want Wind to Blow” and the title track.  It was like Fevers and Mirrors, like In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, it was like my friend Luke, who shared my love of those albums, and who recorded some of my favorite music ever in his parents’ haunted house in New Jersey, but it was also its own thing, stranger, more disarming and wild.  It was a hard album to listen to—at first I just listened to those two songs over and over, and I still have trouble sitting through the full album at once, but I also think it’s one of the best albums ever made.  The Glow Pt. 2 is emotive and dreamlike in a way that begs lone listening, headphones or a long drive, a labyrinth of violent swings, emotional quakes, fragile softness, and echoing imagery, an embarrassment of riches that is also in a way just embarrassing.
As my twenties eroded, I weaned myself off the bedroom poet sad sackery of my former favorites, while at the same time starting to dabble in it myself, writing and recording songs, and, whether consciously or not, ripping off Phil Elverum’s unique production sense as much as possible.  Though I never ventured onward from The Glow Pt. 2 with Eleverum, I did fall for his production work on Mirah’s Advisory Committee, another one of my favorite albums, as sonically adventurous as The Glow, but with more hopeful themes grounded in relationships rather than Elverum’s more Waldenesque lone marrow searching.  Both albums share his love of the lo fi low end—distorted bass growls, keyboard wobbles you can’t hear without feeling, makeshift rhythms finding bass thuds and cavernous clangs by putting a microphone to whatever was in reach—a rubermaid container, a piece of pottery, a bare hand striking the mic—these were all the tricks I developed in my attempted mimicry of Elverum’s style.  The Glow had rubbed off on Luke too—he recorded the song “Sketches”, which bites the end guitar part from “I Want Wind to Blow”.  He did it intentionally and the song is one of my favorites he’s made, but I remember a friend of his, one of the only other people who had ever listened to Luke’s music, being outraged by it, seeing Elverum’s song as sacred ground, like Luke had just drawn Mohammed.  Elverum attracts that kind of fan, the mythologizing disciple, a relationship that, though he is not too comfortable with it, Elverum has nonetheless coaxed throughout his idiosyncratic career.  Despite the cathartic abandon of his sound, looking at his body of work as a whole reveals a controlled, self-referencing world of naturalistic mythology dedicated to the everyday sacred and its decay, told through lyrical narratives of place and feeling, resurfacing familiar as a recurring dream. 
The Glow Pt 2 was Elverum’s seventh album, and he followed it with Mount Eerie, a five part song cycle named after a mountain in his hometown of Anacortes, Washington, about 7 degrees north and 50 degrees west of Bloomsburg, with around the same population.  Elverum still calls the town home to this day, and it is where his label, P.W. Elverum & Sun, is based.  It was around the time of the Mount Eerie EP that he spent a winter alone in a cabin in Norway.  Upon returning with a new appreciation for his home—which he describes as “kind of like Norway crossed with Japan”, he changed his name (from Elvrum to Elverum) and his band name (from The Microphones to Mount Eerie).  The changes have reasonable explanations, which he gives in a 2009 interview in The Believer, but to his fan base they were riddles to be solved, like the website he made, Every Book in the House, a collection of photographs of literally every book in his house, or the art book of landscape photographs and new music he published as Mount Eerie Pt. 6 and 7.  On No Flashlight:  Songs of the Fulfilled Night, he even guilts curiosity from his listeners.  The opening words of the album:
Knowing no one will understand these songs,
I try to sing them clearer
and
even though no one has ever asked
'What does Mount Eerie mean?'
I try repeatedly to explain
in complicated song,
but tonight we will find out
I know no one
and
No one knows me

The lines remind me of conversations I had with Luke, when I was pushing him to send demos to labels and he saw nothing to come of it, and later stopped making music altogether, frustrated with the embarrassing fact that no one would ever have the interest in his work that he does.  It reminds me also of trying to find anyone interested in listening to the new album I just finished the week before the flood, my eighth album or original material, years after Luke had the sense to stop.
It also reminds me of the navel gazing self pitying shitty poetry I wrote in college and can’t stand to look at or even think about anymore.  In fact, much of Elverum’s work is of a level of self-serious pretension that is hard to accept, even as well crafted as it is.  Listening to his albums for two weeks now, in weather to match the songs, I’ve gone through phases of enthrallment and shame.  More often than not, Elverum ends his songs on a word, suggesting the music is in service of the lyrics, and at times his koan-like songs of nature and being resound with a striking truthfulness, yet other times they just seem like clunky hippie fodder, all delivered with an earnestness that makes one wonder if Elverum has any sense of humor.  It turns out Elverum is a comic artist as well, creator of the web comic Fancy People Adventures, which he publishes anonymously, perhaps not wanting to ruin his self-serious rep.
Since No Flashlight, Elverum has released a series of odd asides—Drums from No Flashlight (literally just the drums from the album), Singers (nine songs sung by an amateur chorus of friends), Dawn (demos recorded while wintering in that Norway cabin), an EP of more traditional rocks songs played with a full band, a collection of unreleased songs, Lost Wisdom (a full length album recorded with Julie Doiron and Fred Squire of Eric’s Trip), and his most recent album, Wind’s Poem, which on his label website he calls “the third in the continuum of semi-narrative explorations on the themes of erosion and mortality” and “the best record ever made by Mount Eerie or any related projects”.  While I wouldn’t go that far, Wind’s Poem does stand up with his best work, and is to date the most polished rendering of his sound and aesthetic.  From the tranquility of “Stone’s Ode” to the terrorstorm of “Wind’s Dark Poem”, it is perhaps the only album in existence that would appeal to fans of New Age and Black Metal in equal measure.  Lyrically he continues down the same path, or in the same circle, pondering as ever, as on the R&B tinged “Ancient Questions”:
Ancient questions
Answered alive in me again
Indulging imagining words in the wind
But nothing means nothing
Everything is fleeting
Don’t get used to it                  
I say, look upon the ruins
Voice in the branches
Pulling me still

The reason I’ve been listening so intently to Elverum’s catalog, other than the fact that the dismal weather practically begs for it, is that he is playing in Wilkes-Barre, a short 40 minute drive from Bloomsburg, thanks to a guy named Eric Davis.  Davis has been doing D.I.Y. tour booking and event promotion at a variety of venues in the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre area for 11 years, most recently under the moniker Get Cryptic.  A punk prodigy, he is turning 24, and for his birthday, he decided to book Mount Eerie, he being one of those aforementioned disciples.  The show is being held at a venue called the Redwood Art Space, with local kids Tigers Jaw and Mount Eerie tour mate and band member Nicholas Krgovich opening.
I decide to make the trip alone, partly because I find no one to go with me and partly because that is how I am used to listening to Elverum’s music.  The place is out of the way—after a wrong turn turns into sushi takeout I eat in my car, I find Redwood Art Space in a strip plaza on a tree-lined, gently winding road up a hill past a hospital and a tech school, next to a trailer park one with only the deluxe double wide mobile homes that are brought segmented on two trucks.  The plaza is also home to Mama B’s Kitchen, Heavenly Massage, the Washin Ryu Karate Do dojo, advertising women’s self-defense classes for only twenty bucks, and a space for rent in front of which kids hackysack under corner lamplight as I pull into the lot.  Mama B’s is closed, but Heavenly Massage has a makeshift concession stand set up on a table out front, selling burgers and hot dogs, veggie burgers and corn on the cob.  The Art Space itself is a dingy-looking retail space with low, somewhat stained drop ceiling, old industrial office carpet, and bare green walls with holes and dents painted over.  Just the week before the band Xiu Xiu cancelled their show here upon seeing the place, and though I still think it was a shitty thing to do, I now see why.  Dark paper covers the storefront windows, and the stage is set up right in front, so walking in you are standing right next to the band, the crowd facing you.  I find my way through the small crowd to the open space towards the back.  There are maybe 50 people in attendance, most in their teens or early twenties, the space big enough for about twice that much.  The few 30ish looking folks I spot, who initially make me feel a little less out of place, turn out to all be members of the band.  Elverum sits at the merchandise table in the back, drinking tea and playing chess with a bandmate.  Despite his idiosyncratic persona on record, Elverum comes off as a perfectly normal, well-adjusted guy in person.  He is wearing sandals, pants of some outdoorsy fabric worn pegged, and a windbreaker poncho.  It is unclear whether this is a subtle jest at his newest album’s preoccupation with wind, or if this is just typical Pacific Northwest garb. 
Tiger’s Jaw are nearly through their set when I get there, and once they finish, the entire crowd steps outside for a smoke.  I hope for a moment this exodus will result in Elverum playing “Don’t Smoke”, his somewhat wonderful, somewhat misguided attempt at a more pragmatic kind of songwriting, a sort of Indie PSA from Mount Eerie’s Black Wooden Ceiling Opening EP, but no such luck.  Some of the crowd never comes back in, just hangs out in the parking lot the remainder of the night, clearly there to see Tiger’s Jaw and no one else (to their credit, the band’s respectable and interesting take on emo punk was worth hearing). 
Once Nicholas Krgovich is set to begin, he opens the front door, nearly reachable from the stage, to call the crowd to come back, and some shuffle in as a synth beat pounds the room.  They drift towards the walls or the back of the room, perhaps because Krgovich, with his popped polo collar and baseball cap to a tilt, looks a bit like all the kids who harassed these kids in gym class throughout high school, or for the young ones in the crowd, the kids who will harass them in school tomorrow, it being a Tuesday.  Krgovich, a native of Vancouver who has released albums under the names No Kids, Gigi and P:ano, then commences a set of straight up, unironic R&B club bangers that the crowd doesn’t know quite what to do with, including a sultry reimagining of Jim Reeves’ phone-sexy “He’ll Have To Go”.  Krgovich is clearly displeased with the crowd’s stiff-shouldered lack of response, as if a sudden bump and grind dance party erupting among a roomful of awkward record nerds and their awkwardly cute record nerd girlfriends is even a possibility.  He asks for more reverb in the mic, for the beat to be louder.  The songs are good, at least for what they are, the music at times sounding like post-Kid A Radiohead covering Sade.  The crowd applauds warmly but it is clear that isn’t enough, that in some places this act slays the crowd, but whatever it is, Wilkes-Barre doesn’t have it. 
Elverum does what he can for his friend and band mate, coming out from behind the merch table to take to the floor, dancing like the principal at a prom, but it is no use.  I sway a bit in sympathy, my shoulders moving more than they are used to at a show.  I understand their point—the crowd should lighten up and be here now and enjoy themselves and not stand around looking so uninterested in what is supposed to be their act of having fun.  I have been teaching my students this same lesson all week, reading David Foster Wallace’s Kenyon Commencement Speech, and Sherman Alexie and Lynda Barry and clips from This I Believe, all echoing the same idea, to wake up, to engage, to be here now, the kind of Zen wisdom that permeates Elverum’s music, permeates as well the somewhat embarrassing, unconvincing way he is busting a move on the office carpet dance floor in front of me.  My urge to join in quickly fizzles though when I remember two things.  First, I don’t like to dance at all, even when ethically just, and second, I really loathe most R&B music, at least most of it made after the year I was born.  I lean back into place against the wall, and try to make up for it with the enthusiasm of my applause. 
The set ends uncomfortably, and things get more tense once Mount Eerie takes the stage and Elverum directs the crowd to stand twenty feet back and as stiff as they can since “that’s obviously what you’re good at”.  It is a good natured and funny ribbing that would have been fine if left alone, but he clearly feels bad about saying it, so begins apologizing, backhandedly digging his hole deeper (“I’m kidding… but really, I’ve never seen people so stiff while dance music is on…”).  The crowd is not that offended, or trying not to be, there to mope along to his lonely lyrical explorations, not get accosted for their lack of love for an oddball opener.  Perhaps the crowd should have seen it coming, since it was only a week earlier that a clip of Elverum doing some karaoke Lil Wayne surfaced on indie music blogs, not to mention that R&B is the latest genre to be appropriated by the buzzworthy hipster bands such sites promote, but it is clear no one did. 
The band starts playing, a song from Wind’s Poem, and everything seems to be settled, but then Elverum asks the crowd “are we gonna fight?” to some awkward, quiet chuckles, thinking let the dead horse lay already.  As they start their next song, “Between Two Mysteries”, a girl walking towards the back of the room passes out and rails her head into the wall.  A long, awkward pause ensues while she is attended to.  The band eventually picks the song back up, but it is clear at this point that they are looking forward to leaving the place.  The passive aggressive stage banter carries on a bit more, turning more self-skewering, with Elverum asking, “has anyone seen Cat Power play?”, then adding, “I feel like I’m doing what she does sometimes… only she does it worse…”.  He then apologizes more and points out that he is there to entertain us, we have paid to get in, so he hopes that we are having fun, which he says with the finesse of a store manager called to settle a customer complaint.  Not to say he was wrong in doing so.  If he seems like he is at work, it’s because he is, and given that he’s strictly played all ages shows for the last 15 years, it’s only fitting he’s like a half-burnt teacher in front of the classroom for another school year.  Really, he is more of a small business owner, a working class musician, that rare kind able to sustain a career without compromising anything, simply by building interest and earning respect for his work, all while living in Anacortes, Washington, population 15,000.
How he does it is no mystery, and nothing glamorous either.  He started his own record label, and made a website to sell all his music, and t-shirts, and art books, and the journal he kept during that Norway winter that changed his name and his life, and giant prints of his photographs, and he travels around the country and around the world, begging and basking in attention, and selling what he has made.  At the show, he sells a few copies of The Glow Pt. 2 but little else, the one album he is selling that is not on his label, that earns him the least.  He gets some questions about when No Flashlight will be re-issued, listens to a few disciples tell where they bought one hard-to-find, early release, the one with the hand-stitched cover.  The band plays seven or eight songs, all from the new album, and he sticks around after, as long as the kids do, before he can leave work.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

02 A Horse With No Name



There I was, on my tenth birthday, clammy with fever in the Florida February breeze, on a bench outside of a grocery store in Kissimmee with my older brother Aaron, jumble-headed, waiting for the rest of the family, feeling like death, like a horse with no name.
It is a memory that has stuck, this child’s dose of bleak dread, the excruciation of waiting, the fevered amnesia of feeling like you will feel the way you feel now forever, plenty enough to frighten a boy who had just turned double digits too sick to eat cake. 
I say a horse with no name because it, America’s song, has always meant dread to me, ever since I had a quiet panic attack in the back of the family station wagon when I was seven while the song was on.  A few months prior, I had another visceral reaction set to song—a half lucid nightmare of sinking into my bed while falling asleep listening to Twisted Sister on headphones.  I was later embarrassed that it was Twisted Sister that had frightened me so much, when it was the Iron Maiden Live After Death tape that I was really scared of.  I woke up in the night and went to my parents’ room and put them in the uncomfortable position of trying to explain death to a 7-year-old who is bawling his eyes out, doing that hiccupy cry breathe thing. 
Just last week I witnessed Milo doing that hiccup cry breathe thing when he was overtired, refusing sleep, and in a bawling rage telling me that he can’t stand his life, his life is weird and everything is annoying.  The crickets were too loud and driving him crazy he said, it’s always just the same thing over and over and over.  He refused to live in a world with those crickets, and wished there were no crickets anywhere.  I told him that it’s just the music that the crickets make and he said, well their music is awful.  When he started in on the hiccupy cry breathe thing he got even more worked up because he thought he was having an asthma attack, which he has had twice before in the night where he had to go to the ER.  I got him a drink of apple cider to calm him, but it was too sour, and he raged on until finally falling asleep, and in the morning he didn’t remember any of it, just me turning off the TV.
A year ago he told me of his ‘superhero plan’ where everyone else in the world would die, but not anybody in Bloomsburg.  We were drawing rocket controls and taping them to the wall, which he said must be kept there until “the universe ends” or “we run all out of love”.  A few are still up.
I’ve had similar panic attacks off and on for months during my senior year of college, which was also the year I got married, and the one outside that grocery store in Kissimmee on my tenth birthday, and the one when I was 7 in the station wagon, listening to “A Horse with No Name”.  I don’t have them anymore, not for years. 

America were from England—three U.S. Army brats, but British enough to have recorded “A Horse with No Name” in the Puddletown, Dorset home studio of one Arthur Brown.  You cannot read that without sounding British.  America had already released their album to little acclaim in Europe, and were out to save themselves by recording a hit song to tag on to the stateside release.  The song was written by band member Dewey Bunnell, who supposedly drew inspiration from the hot, dry desert of a Salvador Dali poster on the wall in Arthur Brown’s Puddletown studio, coupled with an Escher horse drawing, and Dewey’s memories of car rides through the New Mexico desert as a child. 
When the song was a hit in the States, most figured the song was about heroin, the horse a lot of rock stars were riding in on, and it was banned by a scattering of radio stations.  The controversy only seemed to help America.  The song soon became #1 and platinum selling. 
It makes perfect sense to me that the song came from family car rides Dewey Bunnell went on as a child, because that’s exactly how I came to know it, countless car rides with my family, crammed in a blue Plymouth Reliant.  There were always only ever two tapes in the car, So Far by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, and History:  America’s Greatest Hits.  An ironic pairing in that when America arrived on that no name horse, they got a lot of flak for ripping off the CSNY sound, particularly Neil Young’s, who coincidently is listed as one of the original members on America’s Wikipedia page, with “inspiration” listed as his instrument.  Another coincidence, and the cause of much of the flak, came when “A Horse with No Name” hit #1 and unsaddled Neil Young’s “Heart of Gold”. 
I knew a lot of Neil Young from an early age, and did not mistake Dewey Bunnell’s Young-aping tenor for the real deal, though a lot of people did back in ’72 when the band made its debut.  The Neil Young I knew the most was After the Goldrush, which was my mom’s favorite, a pillar of my early taste alongside my Dad’s favorite, Fragile by Yes.  My mom had a small stomach for prog rock, and I think it was her tastes that determined the folky ease of our car ride listening choices, though she would always insist on fast-forwarding through America’s cover of “Muskrat Love” midway through side A of the tape. 
My parents met hanging out in the high school art room during lunches, listening to Led Zeppelin records.  My dad played in bands, wired himself a quadraphonic speaker system in his van.  By the mid 80’s they had more kids than hands and had moved on to greatest hits collections.
My family went on car rides all the time when I was a kid, the six of us crammed in, driving around the Columbia County countryside as my parents fantasized about living in this house or that, driving over a supposedly haunted bridge where my dad would make the car stall to scare us, or otherwise wasting gas in the name of family recreation.  I remember all the rides being a quiet kind of bonding time—we were never ones for family singalongs, and I remember listening to America more than I do any conversations we may have had.  The car rides were mostly time to think, look out the window, and ignore each other, together. 
            “A Horse with No Name” ranks among the most covered songs in rock, helped by the fact that the entire song is barely two chords.  The song’s gotten a lot of ridicule as well, particularly for banal lines like “the heat was hot” and the wtf wording of “there ain’t no one for to give you no pain”.  While I have no good explanation for that last one, the lyrics have always struck a chord with me.  I remember being fascinated by them when I was young and first heard them, and even now, after hearing them hundreds of times and singing them myself, there are certain lines that I find charming.  My favorite is “There were plants and birds and rocks and things”, the ‘things’ as silly as singing “et cetera” instead of finishing a thought, but it is precisely the vagueness of the “things”, how unnecessary it is for anything other than how it sounds, which lends the word its charm.  There is also a certain despair to it as well, being namelessly alone.  When you are one of six squeezed in a Plymouth, there is an attractiveness to that kind of isolation, a sad sort of contentment, with no one there for to give you no pain.  The la la las to me always seemed a little sad themselves, a resigned but aching, lonely attempt to stir some sort of singalong.  “La” has to be one of the easiest words to sing, over and over, and not sound like you’re crazy, which is why there are la la las in possibly millions of songs.  So, anytime a singer can sing la la la and still coax some emotion out of you, they’ve got something good, and Dewey Bunnell’s la las have still got it in my book.  Though, for the record, the saddest use is in Rod Stewart’s “Lady Day”, when he forlornly sings, “I get scared when I remember too much / la la la lala la la la”—one of the best lines ever, in my opinion.
So how did I end up standing outside of a grocery store in Kissimmee, Florida on my tenth birthday, clammy and feverish, feeling like a horse with no name?  It all began with the car ride from hell, February 1989.  The six of us, the station wagon, the usual, except this time it was all the way from Berwick PA to Florida.  First to St Augustine, the purpose of the trip, where my dad, who worked New Construction for Borden snack foods, whose factory in Berwick made the summer air in town, and my dad year round, smell like potato chips, was to help build the machines that would bring Wise Chips into the kettle-cooked game, with Krunchers and New York Deli chips, regular or jalapeño.  He had to work there for two weeks, so we all went with him, and he took his vacation time for the week after, so we could go to Disney World. 
The drive also happened to be perhaps the only time neither America’s History or CSNY’s So Far was in the car.  In fact, inexplicably, there was only a cassette single of “Waiting for a Star to Fall” by Boy Meets Girl, which because of bad radio reception, or a merciless God, we listened to over and over and over and over, through state after state, the whole way there.  I cringe to think of it, because I have heard it so many times that the mere thought brings that godawful song up crystal clear in my mind. Conjuring not even a twinge of nostalgic fondness, it is a song I hope to never hear again.  It is my “Muskrat Love”, my crickets that wouldn’t shut up.  To experience it yourself, listen to the song until you start to gag with nausea, which for me is about 20 seconds in, as soon as that insipid sax starts bleating, then listen to it 200 more times, in a row.
I somehow survived and we made it to St Augustine and everything was fine.  Motel living was a thrill, the weather was warm, and the days flew by until it was time to pack it up and head to Kissimmee, to Disney World.  I start to get sick, a fluish wooze draped over me, a turn in my stomach that for a while I blame on honey roasted peanuts.  That afternoon, sitting in front of the grocery store, I felt miserable.  Being sick is a strange and isolating experience as a child, in the way it alters how you see things, your ability be in the world around you.  It is especially bad when it is your birthday and dreams of Disney World are fading in the distance.  My mom was in the store for an eternity.  It was getting Dali out.  The heat was hot, my mouth was dry, and the air was full of sound. 
By the next morning I had willed my way to health convincing enough to keep the Disney trip a go.  My youngest brother Kevin, barely two at the time, was starting to show symptoms, so my mom decided to stay with him at the motel, leaving my dad to take the other three—me, Aaron, 11 at the time, and my brother Nick, who was 6 after also having a Florida birthday, back in St Augustine, on what is Groundhog’s Day to us Pennsylvanians.  So off we went, my Mom never trusting in my Dad’s care-taking, so likely thinking there was at least one of us she would probably never see again.  After feeling so much better, out of adrenaline and necessity, by the time the highway started widening and separating into 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 lanes approaching Disney World’s imperial gates, unsettling waves of sick began creeping their way back through my body.  I said nothing, staved them off as best I could, and by the time we were in the park, the adrenaline was back and I was feeling good again.  Then, waiting in line for the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, Nick turned a sudden green and puked all over my leg, and the shoe of the stranger in front of me.  It was all I could do not to throw up myself at the sight and the smell.
We abandoned the line and headed for a restroom for cleanup.  After things settled Nick claimed he felt all better, trying not to make the delusion too obvious, a struggle I sympathized with, as pissed as I was about my now wet pant leg.  My dad bought it, again, probably not knowing what else to do, and we eased back into our fun, heading over to where Mickey’s Birthday Party was being celebrated, giving Nick’s stomach a chance to settle before jerking it around on any rides, or perhaps to hide out from the guy whose shoe Nick puked on.  A mere few minutes into the birthday celebration, Nick started turning green again, and, in desperation, my dad handed him a ziploc sandwich bag, which did little to contain what came forth.  This time Nick got some on Goofy’s shoe.
The day was cursed.  The desert mirage of rides and magic and escape and things had turned into a sea of green.  We took a tense and dismal monorail ride back toward the parking lot and headed back to the motel.  On the plus side, we just dropped Nick off with Mom at the sick tent and headed back, still managed to hit up Space Mountain, the works, but I never remember the experience as being fun exactly, a little too shaken and still trying not to be sick, the ghosts in the Haunted Mansion more resounding than usual, and too much time to wait and think in line for the next ride.
As for Dewey Bunnell and his boys from Britain, they are riding that nameless horse to death, still touring to this day, playing 100 shows a year, and their first and biggest hit at each and every one of them. 

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

01 Plane, Too





“Plane, Too” (Loudon Wainwright III)


I learned “Plane, Too” by accident.  The right chords stumbled into rhythm, it was that simple.  The words of the song are just a list of things on the plane, facts laid out plainly.  It has a practical brilliance.  I like lists, though I never make the useful kind.  I was big into lists at the time—lists of facts, actually—obsessing over Harpers magazine’s “Findings” page, and a book of lists I found perusing the library shelves, which included a list of inventions that were denied patents, such as an air mattress filled with helium that could float to the ceiling when not in use, a sort of Murphy bed of the future, and an airtight gas mask to connect to your toilet to get oxygen in case you are trapped in a house on fire, which in a way I was.  The book also included a list of bizarre animal mating facts, describing the labyrinthine vaginas of ducks, the many stabbed thoraxes of the bug world, and in the midst of all this list reading I was listening to a Moby Dick audiobook, driving around Pennsylvania listening to lists of whale parts.  Times were whale heavy.  I was working full time, mostly from home, and grad school, mostly from home, with my wife, pregnant with our son Oscar amidst a dead and ending marriage, and our 3-year-old son, Milo. 

I figured out how to play Wainwright’s “Plane, Too” while trying to write a song of my own, suddenly recognizing my song as someone else’s.  So I changed mine a little, called it “Let It Dry”, and included it on the album Domestic.  By album I mean burnt cds with photoshop cover art handed out to a handful of friends, but carefully crafted nonetheless, eight albums of original songs in as many years.  Amanda saw it all as worthless time wasting, but to me it was more and more all I wanted to do.  The ritual of it was enthralling, and the results were meaningful, if only to me.  Or to Milo, Oscar now too, but at the time there was only Milo, and often when I was working on music I would think about him hearing it years later, a puzzle of me to decode, the most unabashed snapshot of me I could muster.  The sound of me, and the way I heard it, my tastes, my moods and being.  All of the decisions that together made it what it was, like a thousand scuffs to a stone, carving something to resemble a face, a hole going somewhere, or just a little empty space.

It’s fitting I figured the song out accidentally, because in my attempts at music I thrive on accidents and first attempts.  I have no formal education, and out of stubbornness have intentionally avoided it, instead relying on the joys of winging it, and a computer’s ability to edit out what’s bad, and make the most of what’s good.  I still don’t consider myself much of a musician, but I’ve been a dedicated and opinionated music listener for as long as I can remember, used to play radio DJ as a kid with my parents’ records, then did the same all through college as a DJ and music director of the radio station, with bags and bags of promo copies piling up in the university mailroom, like a weekly Christmas of my dreams.  I’ve always had musical instruments around me, always wanted terribly to be able to play them, but never terribly enough to take it seriously.  My dad played bass in a few bands when he was young, and still played in one for a time when I was a kid.  They were called Speed Merchant and they practiced sometimes in our basement.  My dad, my uncle Fred, a long-haired guy named Harry who played a flying V, and a bearded singer named Buck.  My dad even had the sweatbands found around the wrists of any bonafied rocker still standing at the end of the 70’s.  They played a lot of cover songs, classic rock stuff, like “Taking Care of Business” by Bachman Turner Overdrive.  I remember going to see his band play, and the way I would vibrate in my chest from the drums.  “It beats my heart,” is how Milo describes the same feeling.  I wanted drums every year for Christmas but never got them.  My mom signed me up for drum lessons Saturday mornings, but no actual drums were involved, just a near silent rubber padded wood practice block, so after only a couple of weeks I gave it up because I was sick of missing good cartoons.  I did play my dad’s bass though, either when my parents weren’t home or when I had his permission, and after awhile there was an acoustic guitar from a yard sale, but always right handed, and I’m the lone lefty in a family of six.  My dad tried once to give me lessons, but it went about as well as the ‘drum’ lessons, then worse when I broke something on his prize ’77 Fender Peavey Bass.  Of the whole experience I mostly remember my dad swearing while soldering a wire to the pickup—our last practice session together. 

My dad’s Speed Merchant practice sessions had stopped a few years before that, at my mom’s insistence, when I was about six.  Mostly the bass sat in the basement.  Once, my dad used the bass and a guitar and keyboard to record a Christmas song, with me, Aaron, and Nick, three of four McGaw boys, singing the chorus together, and taking turns with each verse to list our demands—the year our Christmas lists needed to rhyme.  The song ends with a little self-indulgent keyboarding from my dad, coincidentally not unlike how my cover of “Plane, Too” ends.  My dad wrote poetry for years too, mostly stuff he wrote at work, especially night shifts and overtime.  Any mention of my dad’s creative endeavors to my mom receives an eye roll and a “don’t get me started” look of disdain.  In spite of this, I’ve always been fascinated at these glimpses of my dad’s inner world, and always somehow convinced that I could know him better through these things than through actually interacting with him, being that we have never been all that close, and only ever talk about work or the weather or movies or music, a normal, average father and son relationship, really, but dull compared to listening to that Christmas song, or hearing recordings of his band.  So I think of Milo and of Oscar and I hope that they will want to listen to what I have made and they will know me better, understand me more that way than they could otherwise, or at least in a different way, and I would still know and have that side of me as well, or at least something of it to study and to show. 

Amanda never listened to the music I make.  She would feign interest now and again, and a few of the songs she legitimately knew, but mostly they were her competition for my time.  She thought they all sounded sad, and she had no stomach for my bad singing.  Early on I tried to write songs about her, for her, but that didn’t work, so later out of disdain I would write breakup songs, knowing she wouldn’t hear them.  At the time I first accidentally learned “Plane, Too”, I was teaching English for a cyber school, and sneaking time between washing dishes and mowing the lawn to write songs about washing dishes and mowing the lawn, listening to a lot of Loudon Wainwright.  Knowing how Amanda felt about all the time I spent on music, I would feel guilty whenever I did, and would usually just wait it out until she went to bed, or would stay home whenever she went to her parents’ house or anywhere I could get out of.  The whole thing was making me more frustrated than happy, plus I felt like I had exhausted my talents and my tricks for making music, believed it was a waste of time, and felt foolish, yet could not for the life of me want to stop.  “Let It Dry”, a song about line drying clothes, Amanda’s idea of fun, was also about giving up on writing songs and making music.  The chorus went, “Just give it up / hang it up / and let it dry”.  I thought I was going to stop making songs but I couldn’t, so I just made a song about it.  Then after that came songs about being trapped, or miserably resigned.  One song went “You’re just a dish in the sink / you can’t do anything about anything”, another “Oh, well oh well, oh well, what can I do?”

Loudon Wainwright is quite skilled at writing songs about ordinary life and ordinary things.  When he is good—which to me is really not that often—he captures plain old life in a way that makes mundane truths shine as if profound.  His lyrics are clever and funny and ultimately affecting because the worlds they create are so recognizable, and because his voice is an honest one, even when it’s clearly all a show, him in the role he’s made of himself.  Take for instance his song “Cardboard Boxes”, from his 1985 album I’m Alright.  Over a guitar that’s headed out west, it begins “I’m gonna go to the supermarket / I’m gonna go to the liquor store / I’m gonna get me some cardboard boxes / you know what them boxes are for”, and you laugh to yourself because you do know what those boxes are for.  He hams it up throughout with Bonanza whiplash noises, a song that is simply about moving, so much that you imagine him coming up with the song while actually packing and moving boxes, the hamming being simply how people react when faced with menial labor.  The song is easy, silly really, a joke, funny because it’s true. 

Wainwright is known for being funny, but his humor is always more of a wink than a punchline.  He’s more of a John Prine than a Weird Al, and he can be a lot less funny than he’s known for, his humor often bathed in angsty cynicism, jokes a little too raw to laugh at comfortably.  Take his “Suicide Song” for instance, from Album II, his second album:

Do the monkey do the pony do the slop do the boogaloo twist
Cut your throat, cut your throat, cut your wrist

When you get hung up hang yourself up by the neck
What the hell what the hell what the heck

Wainwright has sung a lot about suicide, and about drinking too much, about getting older, about failed relationships, about being an absent father, about being a bad person, but Album II’s “Plane, Too” is basically just about a plane ride, and everything on the plane.  Yet, it is somehow more emotionally affecting than most of his songs.  Throughout his singing career, Wainwright has embraced the candid nature of folk music, and that candidness is essential to his style, whether it comes out as a laugh or as a whine.  But the candidness of “Plane, Too” isn’t much of either.  It just is what it is, which makes the world of the song all the more real and believable.  I haven’t been on a plane too many times, but the plane in the song sounds like every plane I have been on.  And what’s more, it is one specific moment, a roll call of things on that one plane, and there are so many other planes, and things, there is so much we just sit with and be with, on that plane or wherever.  It is a snapshot of what there is to show for ourselves, one of those telling glimpses of one’s life as an ant farm, set to a simple repeating melody.  More than that, it is about choices, about everything that’s available laid out, and the one big lack of choice, yourself.

Of all the trips I’ve taken on a plane, only one was without Amanda.  It was when I was still working for the job I hated the most—a private, for-profit online school that put all their efforts into marketing and none into their curriculum, and kept all their teachers part-time wage slaves so they wouldn’t have to spring for insurance.  Aside from the teachers and a couple of other instructional supervisors like myself, everyone in the company had a business background, and it showed.  They sent me to Houston for four days, to run a booth at a homeschooling convention.  It was the longest I had been away from Amanda since we started dating the summer before 11th grade.  I was awfully unhappy in our relationship at that point, so it wasn’t hard being away, but it was hard to be away from Milo.  It was the longest I had been away from him since he was born, a record which would hold until the following summer when I started a graduate writing program through Wilkes University and went away for the 8-day residency it begins with.  Wilkes-Barre was less than an hour away.  I could have made the daily drive, but was looking forward to the time to myself.  Amanda and I were ever more distant.  She spent all her time being a mother, while I was spending any free time on music, complaining it wasn’t enough.  I surprised myself with how little I missed Amanda the week I was gone, annoyed with our evening check-ins.  The program was full of people who liked to write, were into music, saw nothing wrong with wanting to spend all your time doing it, in fact were interested, got it and embraced it.  It was paradise for my ego, a week of doing whatever I wanted, surrounded by people who wanted me to do just that, who were doing it too, and by the end of it I had decided that I needed to live on my own.  We were living separate lives anyway, shifts of the same job, to each other at best a convenience.  I was cold and distant to her, which made us both miserable, and we would squabble over parenting.  So, this new life I started imagining—my own place for the first time ever, having Milo to myself half the week, and time to myself the rest—sounded perfect. 

When I got back I tried to explain it all, to tell the truth, and it made her a wreck.  Part of me had thought she would have found it a relief.  To make things worse, as I talked, stepping as lightly as possible with my words, Milo came up to us and said to her “Mama, I don’t love you… I don’t love you Mama”—words I was thinking but being so careful not to say.  It was two days later that she told me she was pregnant.  She found out while I was away but had said nothing.  All I could do was try to take it all back, and we went on with our lives as before.  I started learning some covers for a show I was to play at the town Artfest, including a couple of Amanda’s favorite songs, hoping to make her show some interest or enthusiasm, but whenever she did it just seemed fake and forced to me, and really most of the songs I played were with someone else in mind.  I also learned a Loudon Wainwright song for the show.  One of his best, called “Dilated To Meet You (Or At Your Cervix)”, sung with his wife Kate McGarrigle, who was pregnant with their son Rufus at the time.  Here is how it goes:

We're wondering when you will arrive,
We're wondering what you'll be.
We're wondering if you'll be a her,
Or if you'll be a he.

Maybe you'll arrive today, perhaps tomorrow night..
We're hoping you won't hurt too much,
And that you'll be all right.

Life has a few unpleasantries, we may as well confess.
We suppose you'll cry a lot,
And that you'll be a mess.

There is one thing you should know well,
Of this there is no doubt...
You cannot get inside again once you have come out.

Even though there's trouble...
Even though there's fuss...
We really think you'll like it here...
We hope that you like us.

When I played the song at Artfest, I dedicated it to Amanda, broke our news of a baby to the friends in the audience of a dozen people or so, but she wasn’t there.  Milo was acting wild and wanted to play on the old fire truck that was parked nearby to entertain the kids, and she was with him, chatting with some other town moms, and missed the whole thing. 

The song “Dilated to Meet You” is from Loudon’s album Attempted Mustache, perhaps his finest work, and one of three albums recorded during his rocky marriage and divorce from Kate McGarrigle, as well as the births of their two children, Rufus and Martha.  I recorded my cover of “Plane, Too” a couple of months before I finally moved out, a couple of months after Oscar was born, sleeping on the couch, packing in the attic, waiting to make sure Oscar was going to be okay and would know me.  It was the first song that I recorded with the new amplifier I bought, the first amp I’ve owned and the only real money I have ever spent on my music making habit, aside from blank CDs and printer ink.  My guitar was a Christmas present years ago, my keyboard another present a few years after that.  Everything else is either makeshift or loaned.  I record everything with a computer mic and outdated recording software I pirated off the internet. 

Right around the fourth minute of my cover of “Plane, Too”, you begin to hear Milo yowling into the microphone, the mic stuffed half into his mouth.  It is a brief snippet of one of our lengthy and numerous jam sessions, repeated in a loop, and it isn’t the first time I’ve used Milo in a song.  From when he first made noises I recorded them.  The lullabies I sang to him I recorded for albums.  I have even used a picture of him as an album cover, and footage of him in a music video.  In a way, doing so seems only natural.  I’m merely capturing pieces of my life.  Yet, at times it feels dirty, like I am using Milo to my own benefit, or letting my artistic interests or self-indulgences interfere with my role as a parent.  Oskie has not yet made it into a song, though I have recorded some of the 6 month old coos that he makes, and I have a lullaby just for him, though I don’t get much of a chance to sing it, our time together limited to short chunks, and no sleepovers yet.  If I don’t use him in songs, will he be mad and jealous later on?  Is it lowdown and hypocritical of me to use my kids in my music, but not be there with them every day?  I don’t know the answers to any of these questions, but I know the answers are not simple. 

Wainwright has incorporated his children into his music for years, and in a number of ways.  First was Album II’s “Be Careful There’s a Baby in the House”, recorded when Rufus was still a far off thought.  Even then his view was none too rosy, with lines like “and a baby can spot your shtick / All that coochie coochie coo is a lot of poo poo when you spread it on that thick”.  Next came “Dilated to Meet You”, and the terribly awkward ode to breastfeeding, “Rufus is a Tit Man”, with the downright skeezy couplet, “So put Rufus on the left one and put me on the right / And like Romulus and Remus we’ll suck all night”.  With “A Father and a Son”, Wainwright approached the topic of parenting with less levity and more self-criticism.  The second verse starts “When I was your age I was a mess / On a bad day I still am, I guess… / I know that I’m miserable, can’t you see / I just want you to be just like me / Boys grow up to be grown men / And then men change back into boys again”. 

Loudon wrote some Martha songs as well, such as “Pretty Little Martha”, with the lines, “I sang a song for your big brother, and I’m gonna sing this one for you / You’re in Quebec with your mother and I’m down here in New York state / Quebec with your mother, the world is cruel and so is fate”. 

Like both of their parents, Rufus and Martha each became acclaimed singers and songwriters, and, despite the rocky family portrait that many of his songs paint, Loudon has performed numerous times with both of them.  He has also recorded two rather devastating duets with his daughter Martha.  One is called “You Never Phone”, which begins with this verse sung by Martha—“You never phone you never write / Hell I’ve stopped hoping that you might / You’re trying to hurt my feelings right?”.  On the other, called “Father / Daughter Dialogue”, Martha again confronts her dad, singing “The facts are in and we have found / That basically you’re not around”.  In the next verse, she accuses him of acting like he cares in his songs, but not in life, and Loudon’s reply does little to shake the accusations:

Darling Daughter can’t you see
The guy singing the songs ain’t me
He’s someone people wish I was
What I can’t do this dude does

And if the songs seem slightly pat
I know life’s messier than that
They’re just songs and life is real
They’re just my version of how I feel

In one of our fights Amanda said that all “art” is self-indulgent, and there are times when I agree with her, and also times when I see nothing wrong with self-indulgence at all.  When I first met Amanda, in the teenage prime of self-indulgence, she wrote poems and was first chair sax in the school jazz band, wrote me notes in perfect backwards cursive I had to hold to the light to read, and sent me graham crackers in the mail.  I do think that art is fantasy, like so many things, projections of our inner lives, but I also think there is nothing more beautifully human than that.  The worlds we make and lives we live inside of ourselves seem to be at the root of much of the joy in life, and the unhappiness too, as we can always imagine a life better than our own, and hope for what never comes.  And it is a disturbing experience to have your notions of yourself or your world shown to be wrong.  For instance, I thought she was as done with me as I was with her.  She thought I was someone I wasn't.  She thought I loved her.  

Throughout his career, Loudon has developed a self-depreciating persona of a cad and a bit of a sonofabitch.  It’s a character to be sure, however candid he seems while performing, but I bet there is truth to it as well, his own insecurities and doubts given form.  Even his duets with Martha, I mean they are making music together, and obviously talking enough for that.  They are playing to what their audience knows of them, storytellers developing their drama, but it is hard to think there isn’t a good deal of truth to the songs as well.

I have always thought of myself as a good person, far from Loudon’s cad—someone selfless, caring, and respectable.  And in the year it took me to finally move out, I kept this image in my head of everything working out for the best for everyone, that ultimately it was all for the best.  That it wasn’t just about me.  I still think this, but then there are the times when I don’t see my kids for a couple of days, when I miss seeing Oscar’s first this or that, or when I feel leprous around all of the friends that Amanda and I shared, and I begin to realize I may be wrong.  That who I am inside myself has little, or at least unpredictable, bearing on who I am in the world.  I love my children completely, and I love being a dad—love having them on my own and being the primary parent, something that is impossible when their mom is there too.  I see them most days.  Milo usually stays with me three nights of the week, and Oscar will too when he is older.  I want to believe that I can make everything okay, something better, to show I was right that things were not okay before.  But what if I’m wrong?  What if my kids grow to resent me, or see me as a stranger, see all of this as selfishness, as me choosing myself over them?  I think of how little I feel like I know my dad—and feel like this is the way I can make sure Milo and Oscar really do get to know me, but then I wonder if I don’t know my dad very well because I never tried to, never really wanted to enough, and whether I am making that same mistake with my kids, or if it is a mistake at all, if we all distant because that is just how it is.  I am terrible with people—I despise small talk and I am insecure about most social interactions.  Writing or making music, it is easier to say what I really want to say, because I am really just talking to myself.

My version of “Plane, Too” includes a recording of ee cummings reading his poem “a man who had fallen among thieves”.  I first heard the poem while I was at that first Wilkes residency, the night I decided I was going to leave Amanda.  It was on an album of cummings readings that I had borrowed from the Bloomsburg library, where the kids and I are weekly regulars.  I was listening to it while driving around, trying to think of something to write for an assignment I was given.  The first line that caught my attention was “dressed in fifteenthrate ideas”.  I listened to the poem over and over, discerning the words.  My favorite part is the last stanza, which goes:

brushing from whom the stiffened puke
i put him all into my arms
and staggered banged with terror through
a million billion trillion stars

Though in the context of the poem it is obviously not, those lines to me are about being a parent, and not only because babies come with a lot of puke.  I read the words and I imagine Milo in my arms and I am saving him, and I pause the thought and add Oscar, so I am carrying both of them out of some fiery something or other.  It’s that ‘I love you so much I’d dot dot dot’ moment, and I am there holding them and saving them, doing just what I said I’d do.  And I am showing everyone, whoever they are, that yes, see here?  How I’m doing it, see?  How I am the good guy, or at least one of them?   All the while still wondering, am I?  Banged with terror, fear and doubt, but still, doing it.

The problem is, that moment doesn’t come very often, or never comes.  There isn’t much of a chance to prove anything, and in the meantime so much waiting, so many things.  Just waiting for that moment to arrive, like sitting on a plane, waiting for it to land, just making up silly songs to pass the time, just trying to get away from yourself, but one glimpse of your reflection and there you are again, still.

There was a bathroom on the plane
Flushing toilet too
There was a mirror on the plane
Me too